21

so this is the last marker in my existance that "means" anything. birthdays are overrated and so is time. im slipping back into who i was and i dont want to blame the fact that i lost that on anyone because it was no ones fault. forward 28 steps, turn key, reverse. i need to get back to being the one with the ideas, instead of one of the cattle. i need to get back to being the glue, the scavenger of time spending. i need to get back to being an artist, a photographer, an inspired individual. this is my thought-full outlet and i take some sort of comfort in knowing this is the one place no one can judge my words.

its funny how the change of the seasons can make you forget what the other ones even feel like. ive already lost memory of the summer, and soon enough memory of green trees. this transition is one of my favorite feelings and i need to find someone to share it with. im attempting to create a piano melody, piece, song- whatever you wanna call it, to try and convey the tranquility i feel when i step out of my front door and into this season. the sounds, smells, winds, the "fashion".. everything.

2064

my name is jeff brown and im designed to express my feelings without intrigued recognition.

reality in reality

if life were a novel mine would be a tragedy, every chapter the hero would be slain each way in a more gruesome fashion than before til the gore became too overwhelming and it was thoughtlessly simple to put the book down... or would it promote you to read more? in my life ive failed to suceed at almost everything, and its my own fault. time after time again i fucked up my chance to do something, everything down to balancing a bank account so when its time to get payed i dont owe my whole paycheck in overdraft fees. has this affected my lifestyle, how i treat others? has this affected the fact that i only have about 5 good friends? reading this you probably would be surprised at the fact that ive never tried to kill myself, but thats because i believe you are a coward if you dont face your problems and an idiot if you cant solve them. i think if i didnt have the calm and the consciousness i would be in a darker place but all these things dont effect me. some people flaunt their relationships like it makes them feel like theyre on top of the world, is it the truth or do they have something to hide? you take advantage of the things you have its only natural, then when its gone you realize how much it meant to you, how much you needed it. either in time that feeling will pass, or it will worsen and build up until you crack and everything seems like its out to get you. my hearts beating heavy right now but im sitting perfectly still, if it were still summer id be dripping sweat. the fall weather has arrived and it always does something to me, i cant say it makes me lose sleep cause now-a-days anything can cause that. am i just another product of the media or am i someone different? was that phrase a product of the media or was it my own thought? if i could peel back the flesh of my head and crack open my skull id trade you brains and see what its like to miss out on normality. you dont care, you probably stopped reading long past this part. here goes another spin off of so called artistic vision. i dont want artistic vision, i dont even care what that is, i want a world i can be comfortable in. ive been writing a lot lately, but what inspires me to? what inspires any one to do anything? the worlds moving so fast now that every season seems shorter, years ago feel like months ago, and months ago i cant even remember.

im afraid of growing old because as bad as my memory is now i dont want to see what it will be like then. ill forget ive written this, forget who my friends are, forget what used to be fun. ive already forgotten that, i cant make jokes or be an inspired individual. i tried so hard at so many things, if you know me now i guess you caught me at a bad time...but i have a gut feeling its only gonna get worse. is it too late to change or am i just plainly doomed.. you reach the point in your life when you realize all this and i think ive hit mine about 20 years too early.

havent been on here in so long forgot my login crap

too early for me to go to sleep, got class in an hr and a half, couldnt sleep though. something keeps me awake... although once i roll into that classroom and hear the drone of that teachers voice ill be asleep with my head in my hand waking up seconds later trying to figure out what hes talking about now... then its off to bowling.... just bowled last night, wrist hurts from trying to launch a 6 lb bowling ball faster than don.... did it though; 21.69 mph in the 10th frame. just made it.... its always "just made it". while i was laying there trying to go to sleep i thought maybe i should start working out, itd be good and i think itd be a good feeling to be in shape i guess. but like everything else i paused and "whats the point" walked up and i didnt think anymore about the subject, more focused elsewhere, my minds elsewhere... somewhere better, better being somewhere im unaware of... but somewhere better none the less. escape. but what do i have to escape from, theres nothing harsh to my life other than my attitude, no jagged edges, no cliffs, nowhere to get stuck. for that im fortunate, but when everythings solid i think its human nature to want more... im alive for me, so are you so is the person thats prolly in the room right across from you. sugar coat it and pretend like you care, thats the motto for everything. i pity the genuine as much as i envy them, to have the heart for something-anything is great as it is also a waste since there arent to many people to share that feeling with. i wish i was one of those people, we live our lives out of the idea that doing whatever we do will benifit us, im no different neither are you. use your charm, use your arms, however you do it your out to improve something you want/need. i want to know everything i can about people i want to be able to absorb their thoughts, feelings, actions, emotions etc with an understanding of why and for who theyre doing it for. i want to know what evokes thouse thoughts, feelings, actions, emotions etc. i want to plug your head into mine and follow you around all day to feel; how you feel when your disrespected and what values you live by that would explain why youve been disrespected, i want to feel what you feel when youve realized you have control of whatever situation your in at the palm of your hands, feel that power. absorb everything. i think being around drunks is more intriguing than being drunk, your emotional guard, the pressure of not being liked, the welfare of others feelings is completely disregarded and you can say what you want, do what you want, etc, i want to understand why that happens and why people believe theyre not acting out of line when they wouldnt dare do it sober.. shower time.

holy fuck im impressed, too bad i dont have a pussy to flaunt it

my lifes incomplete. i sat on my computer all night and read all the messages in my myspace inbox/sentbox... by my general standards; i used to be fucking cool...which leaves me to ask the question....did i change for the better or for the worse..as i scanned through the nonsense that reading it now; makes me laugh, i wonder what turned me into who i am.... these messages are essentially a journal of my life for the past 2-3 years... so reading and remembering back to myself was very interesting....mistakes ive made, opportunities ive passed up now look like they were all for things "more important" which in truth were just completely stupid...... i still remember all of it so vividly, its not even fair...how could i have been so stupid.... i see a glint of something better... but i guess that goes with youth.... i cant help but feeling like i didnt challenge myself, i cant say i didnt try to suceed at anything because then i wouldnt have been able to say i changed, which is now the reverse, i dont do anything now-a-days... i feel like ive settled on my life as who i am is who i am.... i felt like i used to have vision and aspirations all amounting more than just getting a new paint job on my car..... i know its ignorant to think this way considering im only 20, but im afraid of who i am.

5 o'clock shadows

a few days ago my mom asked me "when i was going to get a real life" i did nothing to provoke this remark nor did she seem like she was in that kind of mood. this kind of statement is a sort of stab at my lifestyle which is exactly why she does it. needless to say i didnt have an answer, she continued on about things your supposed to do when you reach my age, or should i say the age im fast approaching. ive watched all my friends move and start living on their own and all that jazz and ive seen whats become of them and i dont want to function like that, in technicality i already am considering im broke maybe a week after i get payed, the only difference between them and me is i spend my money on shit i dont need or some new fangled remedy ive come up with in order to get my car on the working path. i consider my vehicular handicap to be my reason for "not getting a real life" aside from that i have nothing planned for myself, the outline is get a fucking ged then start taking tcc classes for graphic design.. aside from my car i lack any form of motivation what so ever to do any of this. what happens after i take those tcc classes? nothing. im not gonna be some sweet graphic design dude, shit i bet they wont even teach me anything i dont already know, ill just have to pay like 5 grand for a piece of paper proving that i know it. its complete bullshit. but what happens if i dont take those classes? will i be in the same predicament? my mother breathing down my neck about how soon she wants to be alone in this house? cause heyzues knows she has such riviting conversations with my dad and tommy. i dont like to do anything unless im at least halfway sure that the outcome will be in my favor, no matter what the circumstance.. my days bleed together, two weeks feels like 5 days.. wake up-work-scour the internet for shit i dont need-watch movies-sleep- skip breakfast- shower-repeat. ive become almost nocturnal if you notice what time this is posted.. what the hell am i supposed to do...theres nothing i excel in, my uncle put it in a good term - jack of all trades and master of none...im writing this cause its going to help me sleep, it has no meaning deeper than that.. this shit happens a lot of the time, an idea will flow through my head and it wont go away til i check up on it and make sure i know what its about etc.. on rare occasions itll be something i need to get off my brain piece such as this... i dont know what else to write in here but i wish i would have been the creator of this picture
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