reality in reality

if life were a novel mine would be a tragedy, every chapter the hero would be slain each way in a more gruesome fashion than before til the gore became too overwhelming and it was thoughtlessly simple to put the book down... or would it promote you to read more? in my life ive failed to suceed at almost everything, and its my own fault. time after time again i fucked up my chance to do something, everything down to balancing a bank account so when its time to get payed i dont owe my whole paycheck in overdraft fees. has this affected my lifestyle, how i treat others? has this affected the fact that i only have about 5 good friends? reading this you probably would be surprised at the fact that ive never tried to kill myself, but thats because i believe you are a coward if you dont face your problems and an idiot if you cant solve them. i think if i didnt have the calm and the consciousness i would be in a darker place but all these things dont effect me. some people flaunt their relationships like it makes them feel like theyre on top of the world, is it the truth or do they have something to hide? you take advantage of the things you have its only natural, then when its gone you realize how much it meant to you, how much you needed it. either in time that feeling will pass, or it will worsen and build up until you crack and everything seems like its out to get you. my hearts beating heavy right now but im sitting perfectly still, if it were still summer id be dripping sweat. the fall weather has arrived and it always does something to me, i cant say it makes me lose sleep cause now-a-days anything can cause that. am i just another product of the media or am i someone different? was that phrase a product of the media or was it my own thought? if i could peel back the flesh of my head and crack open my skull id trade you brains and see what its like to miss out on normality. you dont care, you probably stopped reading long past this part. here goes another spin off of so called artistic vision. i dont want artistic vision, i dont even care what that is, i want a world i can be comfortable in. ive been writing a lot lately, but what inspires me to? what inspires any one to do anything? the worlds moving so fast now that every season seems shorter, years ago feel like months ago, and months ago i cant even remember.

im afraid of growing old because as bad as my memory is now i dont want to see what it will be like then. ill forget ive written this, forget who my friends are, forget what used to be fun. ive already forgotten that, i cant make jokes or be an inspired individual. i tried so hard at so many things, if you know me now i guess you caught me at a bad time...but i have a gut feeling its only gonna get worse. is it too late to change or am i just plainly doomed.. you reach the point in your life when you realize all this and i think ive hit mine about 20 years too early.

havent been on here in so long forgot my login crap

too early for me to go to sleep, got class in an hr and a half, couldnt sleep though. something keeps me awake... although once i roll into that classroom and hear the drone of that teachers voice ill be asleep with my head in my hand waking up seconds later trying to figure out what hes talking about now... then its off to bowling.... just bowled last night, wrist hurts from trying to launch a 6 lb bowling ball faster than don.... did it though; 21.69 mph in the 10th frame. just made it.... its always "just made it". while i was laying there trying to go to sleep i thought maybe i should start working out, itd be good and i think itd be a good feeling to be in shape i guess. but like everything else i paused and "whats the point" walked up and i didnt think anymore about the subject, more focused elsewhere, my minds elsewhere... somewhere better, better being somewhere im unaware of... but somewhere better none the less. escape. but what do i have to escape from, theres nothing harsh to my life other than my attitude, no jagged edges, no cliffs, nowhere to get stuck. for that im fortunate, but when everythings solid i think its human nature to want more... im alive for me, so are you so is the person thats prolly in the room right across from you. sugar coat it and pretend like you care, thats the motto for everything. i pity the genuine as much as i envy them, to have the heart for something-anything is great as it is also a waste since there arent to many people to share that feeling with. i wish i was one of those people, we live our lives out of the idea that doing whatever we do will benifit us, im no different neither are you. use your charm, use your arms, however you do it your out to improve something you want/need. i want to know everything i can about people i want to be able to absorb their thoughts, feelings, actions, emotions etc with an understanding of why and for who theyre doing it for. i want to know what evokes thouse thoughts, feelings, actions, emotions etc. i want to plug your head into mine and follow you around all day to feel; how you feel when your disrespected and what values you live by that would explain why youve been disrespected, i want to feel what you feel when youve realized you have control of whatever situation your in at the palm of your hands, feel that power. absorb everything. i think being around drunks is more intriguing than being drunk, your emotional guard, the pressure of not being liked, the welfare of others feelings is completely disregarded and you can say what you want, do what you want, etc, i want to understand why that happens and why people believe theyre not acting out of line when they wouldnt dare do it sober.. shower time.